Folks, I am very happy to be writing this today, because frankly, you all want to hear from me, let’s face it, I have many, many followers on Twitter, and I’m always getting questions from my fans, and so this will be a very highly rated regular column, it will be the greatest column for my great friend Maurice at around “Turin,” many will know this. Especially this time of year, your favorite President, the “Transfer Man” has been very busy, Believe me! I am working on many, many “transfers” for the greatest players, who all want to play for Juventus. Will buy!
First, as everyone knows, I just got done making one of my greatest deals yet, the deal for the greatest defender in the world, who every other club was trying to sign (but they can’t!), Matthjias DeLigt! He is a very strong, very beautiful young boy, and a strong Christian (goes to “church”). Cheating Barcelona, a team who has been SANCTIONED for making very illegal transfers (and must be again – Griezman!), was very upset that I signed him. Their dopey fans have been very rude and have been saying some very disgusting things, total lowlifes, but that goes to show why Matthjews chose Juventus! We are very classy (and rich!)! Once I talked to his agent, my great friend Mino Raiola, who was also unfairly prosecuted by so called “authorities” it was very easy to sign him.
By contrast the rest of Serial A, a very poorly run league with pathetic clubs, has not been making the same level of moves. Sad! For example, lowlife Napoli, who have a crumbling stadium and drug dealers and criminals all over their stadium, had to struggle to pay the very low release clause to sign Hermes Manolas, a very erratic gyro chef who is also a “defender” and very serious Pagan worshipper, prays to Zeus, does not believe in the Holy Trinity. Not like Matthijas who is a very generous young Christian boy, and defends like a lion!
And folks, we will continue to sign the best players! Our wonderful coach, big Beautiful Mo Sarri, deserves the BEST players for his state of the art, very luxurious brand of football, which I named “Sarri Ball” and has never been used before. Very cutting edge! Unlike Crooked Inter, who hasn’t been relevant since they created a socialist witch hunt and made the crooked FIGC steal and give them trophies that they did not work for or “earn”, who are in very poor shape, and who just appointed Sleepy Creepy Eyes Joseppe Marotta, who I fired and who has very poor vision inside and outside of the boardroom, and who himself hired Bald Tony (who I also FIRED) — convicted of match fixing when he worked for me! He’s already complaining about their pathetic transfers – must resign!
And folks, finally we just landed in “China” land of the great wall and egg rolls the size of burritos, and let me tell you, I had a very good call with the President XI Pingpong, who is investing very heavily In Italy and Europe and driving up transfer fees for hardworking patriotic clubs, and nobody but me is willing to do anything about it – no good! And China has some very serious issues with Turkeystan, the native country of another one of my tremendous defenders, and a new signing, Merrill Demiral, who is a very strong man, but was denied a Visa to travel for our pre-season matches. Folks, not great! I called President Pingpong and I told him, if he doesn’t give Merill his “visa” then there will be some very serious consequences, and folks, he gave it to him! I kid you not, he said “Mr. A,” and he was very scared, I could tell, he was shaking, because he didn’t want Juventus to Boycott and cost his country Trillions of Euros in revenue. I stood up to the Chinese, and now we’re in China representing all of Europe. Thank you!
With that, I have to log off — my security team tells me that the Chinese Government is monitoring me (more wiretaps than Obama!), and I need to keep working on making the best deals anyway. Working hard!